Kakuzu Wants a Refund on His Wish
by Inazuma Ichigo
Summary: Kakuzu wishes his partner wasn't such a foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty religious freak. It turns out there really is truth to the phrase "be careful what you wish for," but now it's too late to take it back.
1. It's Really Not So Bad

**Kakuzu wishes his partner wasn't such a foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty religious freak. It turns out there really is truth to the phrase "be careful what you wish for," but now it's too late to take it back.**

**I personally don't like swearing, so I'm censoring Hidan's more colorful words. Sorry if you find it unnecessary, distracting, or annoying.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: It's Really Not So Bad**

Kakuzu grasped the back of the corpse's shirt collar and lifted it over his shoulder, letting the blood-soaked man dangle at his back. He looked over at the symbol drawn with blood on the rocky ground. The man lying in the center wasn't moving, and even more blood trickled from his mouth.

"Are you done yet?" asked Kakuzu.

"I'll be done when I'm f***ing done!" said Hidan.

"Time is money," said Kakuzu. "I'm not waiting for you to finish your pointless ritual."

He walked away. Hidan lifted his head, glaring at his partner. "Pointless? Hey! Where do you think you're going, you impatient a**hole?"

"The bounty station," said Kakuzu.

"You and your f***ing obsession with money…" muttered Hidan. He grabbed the spear protruding from his chest and tugged it out. After standing up, retracting his spear, and picking up his scythe, he hurried after Kakuzu. "If I have to wait around while you collect your dirty money, you can wait for me to finish my rituals! Praying is more important than bits of paper anyway!"

"Money has value," said Kakuzu, keeping his gaze ahead. "It's reliable. Your prayers do nothing but waste time, so do us both a favor and skip them from now on."

Hidan bared his bloodstained teeth. "Blasphemy!"

"It's not as though your so-called god will kill you for not praying. Although that would be a nice bonus…"

"Jashin-sama will not forgive you, you f***ing heathen!"

"I don't need his forgiveness," said Kakuzu. "If anything, he should thank me for stopping your prattle. Your prayers add up, and if he has to listen to you for hours a day…well, I'd empathize, were he real."

"I'll f***ing kill you, f***ing motherf***er!" shouted Hidan.

"Shut up, Hidan," said Kakuzu.

Hidan yelled and swung his scythe, but Kakuzu caught hold of the handle before the blades could reach him. The spear in Hidan's other hand extended, but gray threads shot from Kakuzu's arm and wrapped around the spear and Hidan's wrist, holding him back.

"Get your f***ing tentacles off me!"

"Calm down," said Kakuzu.

"Calm down? Don't f***ing tell me to calm down, f***ing a**hole!"

Kakuzu wrestled the spear and the scythe from Hidan, all the while holding the corpse at his back. He raised the scythe and struck Hidan across the head with the handle.

"Ow! Give those back, you—" Hidan ducked another swing of his scythe.

"Shut up or I'll cut out your tongue and force you to eat it," said Kakuzu.

Hidan opened his mouth, thought better of it, and closed his mouth. Eyes narrowed, Kakuzu threw the scythe and the spear to the ground. His threads withdrew into his arm. Hidan wiped the blood off his chin with the back of his hand, glaring at Kakuzu as he walked on. After making several rude hand gestures behind Kakuzu's back, Hidan retrieved his weapons.

They walked through the desolate field in silence. Hidan glanced at Kakuzu and the sizable gap between them. "…Praying isn't a waste of time, and I won't stop."

Kakuzu's eye twitched. "Are you still upset about that?"

"F*** yeah I am!" said Hidan, drawing closer. "You don't understand a damn thing about praying!"

Kakuzu stopped and threw out his hand, catching hold of Hidan's rosary and pulling him over. "You honestly believe your god is listening to your prayers? Fine!" He lifted the rosary to his face and closed his eyes. "Jashin, turn Hidan into a polite, intelligent atheist, and I'll believe in your existence."

"How dare you!" Hidan wrenched his rosary out of Kakuzu's grasp and stepped back. "You dare mock Jashin-sama?"

"It seems there's no Jashin to mock," said Kakuzu. "Let's not waste any more time, Hidan."

He continued walking, ignoring the crude insults Hidan threw at him. This was going to be another long day.

* * *

The next morning, Kakuzu woke to a splitting headache. He gazed up at the ceiling of his room, wondering how early it was, and he ran his fingers through his hair. There was no way he could fall back to sleep like this. Turning his head, he looked over at the bed at the other end of the room. Hidan had managed to kick his blanket to the floor in his sleep. He was sprawled there on the sheets, shirtless and (thank ryō) quiet as he dreamed some no doubt gory dream.

Kakuzu sat up, clutching his head. He got out of bed and dressed, careful not to wake Hidan, for frankly, this was a morning on which a minute of his partner's chatter would drive Kakuzu to chop off Hidan's head and bury it ten feet underground. Just as he finished putting on his mask, he heard Hidan's mattress groan behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Hidan sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Kakuzu headed swiftly to the door.

"Good morning, Kakuzu," said Hidan.

Kakuzu paused with his hand on the doorknob. He must have misheard.

"Why am I wearing this?" asked Hidan. Kakuzu looked back; Hidan pulled off his rosary and dropped it on the nightstand. He stretched and glanced over, seeing his partner staring at him. "Is something the matter?"

Kakuzu was silent for a long moment. "No."

"Still tired, are you? Not to worry, my friend. I understand." Hidan smiled.

Kakuzu slowly looked back at the door and turned the knob.

"Excuse me, do you have a spare shirt I could borrow?" asked Hidan.

Kakuzu paused again. "…Since when did you wear shirts?"

"It has been a while," said Hidan. "It's rather silly not to wear one, though. Would you please lend me one?"

His eyes were wide as he released the doorknob. Kakuzu walked to his closet and pulled out a gray shirt, not really looking at it as he approached Hidan and held it out.

"Thank you," said Hidan. He took the shirt and slipped it on before sliding his feet to the floor and standing up. "It's a little big on me, but it works fine. I appreciate the favor."

He bowed his head. Then he smiled at Kakuzu, whose hand twitched. He seized Hidan by the neck and squeezed. The smile vanished from his face, and he grabbed Kakuzu's hand with both of his own, trying to pry it off.

"K…Kakuzu!" he choked.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Kakuzu. When it became apparent that Hidan couldn't speak, he loosened his grip. Hidan gasped for air.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Is this some sort of joke?" asked Kakuzu, but he realized there was no way Hidan would go to such lengths for a joke, and there was no way he could be such a good actor.

"Joke? I'm afraid I don't understand!" he said.

Kakuzu threw him to the floor and strode to the door. He opened it, stepped out, and slammed the door behind him. Thoughts of the previous day flooded back to him as he walked down the hall. Was this not what he had "prayed" for? The politeness was there, he seemed to be rejecting his religion, and although his intelligence was still open to debate, his manner of speech was…weird. Everything about him was weird.

A door opened ahead of Kakuzu and out poked a tired face half concealed behind long, blond hair. "What's with the racket, hmm? I appreciate the effort to start the day off with a bang, but it's too early! …Kakuzu?"

He walked past Deidara without a glance or a word and headed to the kitchen. Upon entering, he almost walked into Tobi.

"Good morning!" said Tobi.

Kakuzu did not reply. Instead, he got himself a cup of the black coffee Tobi had made. Tobi tilted his head slightly.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Isn't it a good morning?"

"Shut up, manservant," said Kakuzu.

"Tobi is a helper, not a servant," said Tobi. "Someday I'll be a real member of Akatsuki! Just you wait, Kakuzu-san!"

He continued preparing breakfast for everyone, and Kakuzu went into the dining room, sitting at the table. His fingers almost crushed his cup as he stared at the wall. He could not get the disturbing image of Hidan's kind smile out of his mind. Pulling down his mask, he took a sip of his coffee.

Either his headache was preventing him from thinking too hard, or he was succeeding in clearing his mind so as not to aggravate his headache. Maybe this coffee was all he needed to distract himself. Whatever the case, he was not dwelling on Hidan's strange behavior. He had to stay calm.

A few minutes later, Kisame came in and joined Kakuzu at the table. "You look like crap."

"You smell like rotten fish," said Kakuzu. He sipped more coffee.

"Got up on the wrong side of the bed, I see," said Kisame. He looked over at the kitchen. "Hey, Tobi! You almost done?"

"Almost!" Tobi's cheerful voice called back.

Kisame rested his arm on the table and glanced at Kakuzu. "Where's your cloak?"

"In my room," said Kakuzu.

"You normally wear it in the mornings, though," said Kisame.

"Not this morning."

"What's up?"

Kakuzu took another drink from his cup as he watched the wall. Frowning, Kisame leaned back in his chair.

"Fine," he said. "Don't talk to me. I'm used to it."

Someone else came in, and Kisame looked to see his partner gliding over. Itachi sat beside Kisame and stared at the wall. Kisame looked from him to Kakuzu and back again, frowning.

"Is this some sort of joke?" he asked.

"Joke?" Itachi glanced at him. Kakuzu squeezed his cup tighter.

"Kakuzu's acting odd," said Kisame. Itachi's eyes scanned Kakuzu.

Tobi bounced in carrying a tray covered with chopsticks, cups, bowls and small plates. "Good morning, Itachi-san! Kisame-san! How are you?"

"Hungry," said Kisame.

Tobi hummed a cheery tune as he set down the cups of green tea, plates of fish, bowls of rice and miso soup, and chopsticks with their stands on the table in front of each Akatsuki member (Kakuzu didn't get a cup of tea, for he already had coffee). Itachi and Kisame clasped their hands and bowed their heads.

"Itadakimasu," they said together. Then they lifted their chopsticks and began to eat. Again, Kakuzu sipped his coffee.

"Aren't you hungry, Kakuzu-san?" asked Tobi.

"No," said Kakuzu.

"You should eat before your food gets cold!"

"I'm not hungry."

Tobi scratched his head as if he did not understand. "Well, it's there if you change your mind!" He went back into the kitchen.

Kakuzu closed his eyes. He did not open them again until he heard more footsteps approach the table. He, Itachi and Kisame paused as Hidan, wearing his cloak fastened all the way up, sat down at the end of the table by Itachi and crossed one leg over the other.

"Good morning," said Hidan. "That looks delicious."

"…Huh?" said Kisame.

"The food," said Hidan with a smile.

"Right," said Kisame. He glanced at Kakuzu to discover him staring at the wall again.

"How are you feeling?" Itachi asked Hidan, watching him closely.

"I'm excellent, thank you," said Hidan. "And you, Itachi-san?"

Itachi fell silent. Kisame looked utterly confused.

"What's going on?" he asked, but nobody answered. Tobi poked his head in.

"Hidan-san! Good morning!"

"Good morning," said Hidan.

Kakuzu's eye twitched. One more "good morning" out of anyone's mouth and he might just go berserk.

Tobi brought the tray over and set food and coffee in front of Hidan. "Here you go!"

"Thank you, Tobi-san," said Hidan.

Tobi seemed stunned. "You're welcome!"

"If it's not too much trouble, may I have some tea instead?" asked Hidan.

"Oh? Of course!" Tobi put the cup of coffee back on the tray and scurried into the kitchen, returning shortly with another cup, this one filled with green tea. He placed the cup in front of Hidan, who thanked him again.

Hidan put his hands together and bowed his head deeply. "Itadakimasu." He started eating, taking small, slow bites and savoring the flavor. Kisame and Itachi watched him. When he sipped his tea, his little finger stuck out daintily.

Deidara arrived, yawning and stretching as he approached Tobi. Without a greeting, he snatched the cup of coffee off the tray, sitting across from Kakuzu. "So," he said, "why'd you slam your door earlier?"

Kakuzu only stared at him. He was blocking the view of the wall now, and it was a lot more difficult to ignore someone when they were sitting in front of you and asking stupid questions. Deidara raised an eyebrow.

"Jeez…" he muttered. "Ignoring me, hmm? I don't know what I did, but whatever." He took a drink of his coffee and immediately spat it out, spraying Kakuzu in the face. "Ugh! Tobi, you idiot! You call this coffee? What the hell did you put in it?"

"Cream and sugar!" said Tobi, taking a few steps back. "Maybe I added a little too much… Whoops!"

Hidan, Itachi and Kisame looked at Kakuzu. He was sitting perfectly still, staring at Deidara, and his face, mask and shirt were dripping with coffee. Hot coffee. Deidara did not notice, too busy spitting into his cup and brushing the grains of sugar off his tongue.

"Let me help clean that off, Kakuzu," said Hidan. He set his chopsticks on their stand and rose from his chair.

Kakuzu's cup shattered in his hand, spilling coffee over the table. They all froze and stared at him. His hand, now curled into a fist, was quivering. His shoulders heaved, and his breathing was heavy. His eyes were fixed on Deidara.

"Er…sorry," said Deidara.

Kakuzu grasped the edge of the table and flung it over. Itachi had grabbed his cup and one of his bowls, and Hidan caught Itachi's other dishes before they fell, but everything else flew through the air, scattering chopsticks, bowls, plates, cups, soup, rice, fish, and tea all over the floor. Deidara and Tobi dropped the cup and tray and leapt aside, only just dodging as half the chairs toppled and broke and the table smashed upside down onto the whole mess.

Kisame jumped up. "My food!"

Deidara and Hidan gaped at Kakuzu; he stood there twitching. Tobi scrambled to his feet. Still seated in his chair, Itachi lifted his cup and took a sip of tea.

"…Kakuzu?" said Hidan.

Kakuzu turned his face toward him, and Hidan stepped back. There was murder in Kakuzu's eyes. Tobi stepped forward and held out his hands.

"Now, now, let's not do anything rash," he said.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Hidan?" asked Kakuzu.

"_Hidan_? What's wrong with _you_?" asked Deidara. Kakuzu shot him a look that shut him up.

"What's going on?" came a voice from the dining room entrance. They looked to see Sasori walking in, but nobody seemed to quite know the answer to his question. Sasori stopped behind Kakuzu and Kisame and asked, "Who did this?"

Deidara pointed at Kakuzu.

"What did I do to upset you?" Hidan asked his partner.

"You're the only one who can't see it!" said Kakuzu.

"He's right," said Kisame. "You're acting all…polite. You even caught Itachi-san's food!"

"I'm sorry," said Hidan. "I would have caught your food too, but I only have two hands."

"That's not the point!" said Kisame.

"Don't worry!" said Tobi. "Tobi will make more food for everyone!"

"Kakuzu… Hidan…" said Sasori. "The Leader would like to speak with you in his office."

Kakuzu closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. It only made his headache worse. He turned and strode past Sasori, leaving before he could try to tear off everyone's heads.

"Hold on, Kakuzu!" said Hidan. Tobi sprang over and relieved him of Itachi's dishes.

"Go ahead," said Tobi. "You don't want to keep the Leader waiting!"

"Thank you," said Hidan. He bowed his head to Tobi before hurrying after Kakuzu. When he caught up, he asked his partner, "What do you suppose he wants to speak with us about?"

"If you think this proves anything, you're wrong," said Kakuzu, keeping his gaze firmly ahead. Hidan looked mildly confused.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I don't care how polite you act. It doesn't prove Jashin exists!"

"What?" Hidan smiled, then laughed. "I'm sorry! You must be mistaken. I don't believe in Jashin, or any god for that matter. And if I did, I would never force my beliefs on you."

Kakuzu fell silent and slowed down. Of course this proved nothing. It was just a disturbing coincidence. Hidan's behavior may be unnatural, but was it really so bad? This was what he had wanted. He could get used to it. No more shouting, no more perverse praying, and he may even start getting some of the respect he deserved. His headache had blown this all out of proportion. This was a good change!

It was with a much calmer fist that Kakuzu knocked on their leader's office door.

"Enter."

Kakuzu opened the door and stepped into the room. Hidan followed, closing the door behind him and stopping at his partner's side. Their leader was sitting behind his desk, reading from a scroll. He seemed to be deep in thought. They watched him, waiting, until he rolled up the scroll and spoke.

"I have a mission for you," said Pain, and he looked up at them. "There is—"

He paused, staring at the coffee streaks on Kakuzu's face and shirt. Then he glanced at Hidan's attentive posture, fully fastened cloak, and earnest expression.

"It's a long story," said Kakuzu, answering Pain's unasked question. Pain continued to stare.

"…There is a group of thieves causing trouble for Hōseki Village," he said. "Find the thieves' hideout, kill them, and return the items they stole to the village head. Here is a list of the items. Retrieve as many as you can, for the exact reward depends on the items they get back."

Kakuzu approached the desk and accepted the scroll. After he stepped back, he saw Hidan and paused. His partner was bowing low.

"My sincerest apologies, but I must respectfully decline this mission," he said.

Apprehension rose up inside Kakuzu, and he glanced at their leader. Pain stared at Hidan.

"And why is that?" he asked.

"Killing goes against my moral code," said Hidan.

Kakuzu's eyes widened, but Pain's expression remained deadpan. A long silence ensued. Hidan kept his back bent, but he raised his head to look at their leader.

"Is there something you two would like to tell me?" asked Pain.

"No, sir," said Kakuzu. "We will take the mission."

Hidan straightened up and opened his mouth to protest, but the dark look from his partner kept him quiet.

"Very well," said Pain. "If the mission is anything less than a success, I'll kill you both."

Kakuzu bowed his head shortly and left the room, Hidan at his heels. This goody-goody reformed murderer better not screw up the mission, for it was Kakuzu's life on the line as well.

How had he been so stupid as to tell himself this was a good change?


	2. Until It Is

**Chapter 2: Until It Is**

The trip to Hōseki Village was long but surprisingly calm and quiet. Hidan hardly spoke at all, but whenever Kakuzu looked at him, he saw that his partner's face was especially pale. He kept fidgeting with the scythe that Kakuzu had forced him to bring along. Kakuzu was more than willing to complete this mission himself, but Hidan would cause problems sooner or later if Kakuzu didn't persuade him that murder was acceptable. An Akatsuki member who could not kill was not even a ninja, but a disgrace, especially if that member was his partner.

By the time they reached the village outskirts, Hidan looked like he might throw up.

"Kakuzu, I can't do it," he said. They both stopped.

"We haven't even found them yet," said Kakuzu. "Now, the scroll says the thieves have stolen from the village almost every day for over two weeks. Judging by these brief intervals between thefts, their hideout is either within the village or near it. If we split up, can I trust you to capture any thief you may find?"

"This is wrong!" said Hidan.

"I'm not telling you to kill them yet. We have to keep them alive for questioning in case they've hidden or sold any of the items we're looking for. If you see a possible thief, follow him in secret. He may lead you to their hideout. Can I trust you to do that much?"

Hidan nodded.

"Good," said Kakuzu. "You search the village. I'll search around it. We'll meet back here in an hour."

They went their separate ways. Kakuzu had a nasty feeling that something was going to go wrong. While he searched the surrounding forests, he kept wondering if Hidan had found anything yet. His own search was turning out fruitless, but so long as Hidan was still competent enough to remain undetected and tie up any thief he found, things should proceed smoothly. It was the question of how competent Hidan was that concerned Kakuzu.

As the end of the hour neared and he had found nothing, he returned to the meeting spot. No one else was there. He looked around, but there was no sign of Hidan. The nasty feeling grew more pronounced. Kakuzu waited for five more minutes before deciding to look for his partner, but just as he headed deeper into the village, somebody came striding over.

It was Hidan, but he was not wearing his Akatsuki cloak and his scythe was gone. He was wrapped tightly in a woolly gray blanket, clutching it about himself, and as far as Kakuzu could tell, he was not wearing anything beneath it. His bare feet were smudged with dirt and his face was burning pink. He looked reluctant to speak or make eye contact as he stopped in front of his dumbstruck partner.

"…What the hell happened to you?" asked Kakuzu.

"I found the thieves," mumbled Hidan. "Or rather…they found me. They have exceptional stealth! They snuck up on me and…stole all my clothes and weapons."

Kakuzu stared at him. For a long moment, that was all he could do.

"They spared my underwear, but they knocked me unconscious. A woman who saw me lying there was kind enough to take me into her house and give me this blanket. She made excellent tea, as well."

Kakuzu closed his eyes, rubbing his temple. "I can't believe this."

"You shouldn't underestimate those thieves," said Hidan. "Oh, and…sorry about your shirt."

"I don't care about the shirt," said Kakuzu. "Where did all this happen?"

"I'll take you there," said Hidan. He shuffled off, holding the blanket tighter around himself. Kakuzu sighed and pulled off his cloak. Hidan would only slow things down like that.

"Put this on, Hidan," he said.

Hidan stopped and looked back. Kakuzu was holding out his cloak. Stunned, Hidan blinked before smiling and walking back.

"Thank you," he said. His hand slid out from between the edges of the blanket, and he grabbed the cloak. "…I'm sorry, do you mind?"

It took Kakuzu a moment to understand. "This is ridiculous…"

He turned away and gave Hidan ten seconds before turning back. His partner was fastening his cloak. Hidan picked the blanket up off the ground, folded it into a small bundle, tucked it into an inside pocket of the cloak, and turned to Kakuzu.

"Ready? Let's go," said Hidan.

Kakuzu followed him through the village. This place was well known for its wealth, but the thieves had left a noticeable gap between reputation and reality. Of the few people walking the streets, one or two flaunted their gaudy jewelry and luxurious garments, but most of them had donned simple, even tattered clothing. It seemed that the majority of the villagers had learned a lesson from the thieves, but those few who strutted about like kings made Kakuzu wonder if they wanted to be robbed, or if they were just stupid. If he hadn't been on a mission, he would gladly rid them of their burden. Maybe then the snobs would think twice about parading their wealth in a village plagued by thieves.

Twelve minutes later, they came to a stop and Kakuzu looked around. This part of the village looked no more special than the rest of it; the houses were grand, the streets were clean, and the atmosphere was calm.

"Did you see which way they went?" asked Kakuzu.

"No," said Hidan. "Like I said, they knocked me unconscious."

Kakuzu crouched down and examined the ground. There was no trace of a footprint or anything else that could point them in the right direction.

"The woman who helped me might have seen," said Hidan. Kakuzu looked up at him. "I need to return her blanket anyway, so why don't I take you to her house?"

"Fine," said Kakuzu.

He stood up and followed Hidan again. The house turned out to be right across the street, and Hidan knocked. The door opened to a young girl of about five and, seeing Hidan, her face lit up.

"Naked Man!" she said. "Mommy, Naked Man's back!"

Kakuzu glanced at his partner's reddening face. Then the girl looked at Kakuzu, and her smile vanished, being replaced by terror. She did not move, even as footsteps approached from behind her.

"Oh?" came a woman's voice. "What perfect timing! I just finished baking some cookies. Hidan-san, I hope you like almonds and chocolate!"

The woman stopped beside the little girl, carrying a tray of cookies. She smiled at Hidan, but like the girl, she froze upon seeing Kakuzu.

"Did you see—" he began.

With a great cry, the woman flung the cookies, tray and all, at Kakuzu. Although he blocked his face with his arm, he was showered with the hot, gooey, sugary treats. The tray clattered to the ground with some of the cookies. Others managed to stick to his arm, shirt and head.

"Wait!" said Hidan. "It's all right! He's my friend!"

The woman, about to pull the girl back, paused. They all watched as Kakuzu lowered his arm. One of the cookies slid from his forehead protector down over one eye, leaving behind a thin trail of melted chocolate. The little girl covered her mouth and giggled. A small smile crossed Hidan's face, but he dropped it as soon as Kakuzu looked at him with the eye not covered by a cookie-eyepatch.

"I'm sorry," said the woman. "You startled me."

"No, I'm sorry," said Hidan with a bow. "I should have mentioned my friend sooner."

She bowed back. "No, Hidan-san! I didn't give you the chance. I apologize for my rude reaction."

Kakuzu felt a strong urge to throw up, not only because of their sickening politeness but because he could smell the excessively sugary cookies through his mask.

"I'm sorry, Kakuzu," said Hidan.

"Please, come inside, and we'll get you cleaned up," said the woman.

Hidan reached out to grab the cookies stuck to Kakuzu. "Here, let me…"

Kakuzu pulled them off first and shoved them into his partner's face.

"Oh sweet mercy! My eyes!"

Hidan scraped off the gooey mess and rubbed at his eyes, which he squeezed shut. Kakuzu walked past the woman and girl and into the house.

"I'm terribly sorry!" said the woman. "If I could bake cookies properly, this wouldn't have happened!"

"No, no! I'm sure they were delicious!" said Hidan. "Owowow…"

Kakuzu tuned out their voices as he stopped in the main room, suddenly distracted. The furniture was beautifully crafted and clearly expensive. What a waste of money. He could appreciate things like these and wouldn't mind owning some, but at the same time, he would much rather sell them and replace them with cheaper pieces that worked just as well.

There was a soft footstep, and Kakuzu turned around. The little girl was watching him from behind an armchair near the entrance. While she remained partially hidden, she seemed to be curious about this strange new visitor. Kakuzu ignored her and looked out the window, calming himself, waiting for Hidan and the woman to come in. He listened vaguely to their footsteps and voices. Then something tugged at the back of his pants leg, and he looked over his shoulder.

The little girl stood behind him, holding out a fluffy white towel. Her wide eyes stared up at his face. He stared back. At first, she took a nervous step backwards, but then she held the towel up higher. Kakuzu glanced at it before grabbing it. The girl scampered away at once. For a moment, Kakuzu stared at the towel in his hand as though it was a sack of money handed to him by a complete stranger.

"Sorry for the delay, Kakuzu," came Hidan's voice. "She's cleaning up the mess outside."

Kakuzu looked over. Hidan was walking toward him, rubbing at his face with his own towel. He didn't look angry with his partner at all. Hidan stopped a few feet away and lowered the towel, watching Kakuzu.

"Is something wrong?"

"Yes," said Kakuzu. "You're an incompetent partner and you let the thieves get away with everything you had on you."

He turned back to the window and scrubbed at the chocolate and crumbs on his face, arm and shirt with the towel the girl had given him.

"My apologies for that," said Hidan. "I'll try harder."

Was this really the same Hidan who attacked Kakuzu just for telling him to shut up?

Hidan gasped. "Kakuzu! You're supposed to take your shoes off! You've gotten dirt all over the floor!"

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. No, this _wasn't_ the same Hidan. The Hidan he knew would not be down on his knees, trying to wipe up the dirt with a towel, but he could see his partner doing just that by his reflection in the shiny windowpane. This new Hidan still creeped him out a little, but something beyond the reflection, on the other side of the street, distracted him. A man was walking by, looking right at Kakuzu.

"Excuse me," said Hidan.

Kakuzu glanced down at his feet, where Hidan knelt smiling up at him with the towel in his hands.

"If you won't take off your shoes, will you at least let me clean them?"

Kakuzu looked back out the window. The man was gone. Taking his silence as consent, Hidan lifted his partner's foot and started scrubbing at the sole of his shoe. Kakuzu jerked his foot free and kicked Hidan in the face.

"I'm sorry for all that," said the woman as she stepped in. "Would either of you like something to eat or drink?"

She paused. Kakuzu looked at her, and so did Hidan, sprawled on his back and clutching his nose.

"No," said Kakuzu before Hidan could answer. He definitely didn't want any cookies. "Did you see which way the thieves went?"

"The thieves? You mean when Hidan-san was robbed? I'm afraid not," said the woman.

"What do you know about them?" asked Kakuzu.

"Kakuzu," said Hidan thickly. "Please don't interrogate our host!"

He sat up and lowered his hand, revealing a broken nose and bloody nostrils.

"Oh! How did that happen?" asked the woman. "I'll get—"

"Don't bother," said Kakuzu. He pulled Hidan to his feet and snapped his nose back into place.

"Ow!"

"Shut up." Kakuzu picked up the towel Hidan had dropped and shoved it into his partner's bloody face. "If you're so worried about the floor getting dirty, stem the bleeding. It'll stop in a few minutes."

"But he needs medical treatment," said the woman.

"I could tear out his heart and he wouldn't need treatment," said Kakuzu. "The same thing goes for me. But don't change the subject. Tell us what you know about the thieves."

"I…don't know much of anything. They've been stealing from our village nearly every day for weeks now, and according to a few witnesses, there are at least four thieves in total."

"What do they look like?"

"I don't know."

"Is there a building or person they've stolen from most often?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Have they stolen today, aside from taking Hidan's belongings?"

"I haven't been informed if that's the case."

Kakuzu sighed. This woman was a useless waste of time. They would probably have better luck tracking down and questioning that man he had seen through the window. One thing was certain: they weren't getting any information here.

"Let's go, Hidan," said Kakuzu.

"Just a minute." Holding the towel over his nose, Hidan reached into his cloak and pulled out the blanket. He held it out to the woman. "Thank you for letting me borrow this."

"I told you, you can keep it," said the woman.

"You're very generous, but I couldn't," said Hidan.

"I don't need it. Please, consider it a gift."

Kakuzu snatched the blanket and the towel from his partner, forced them and his own towel into the woman's hands, grabbed Hidan's upper arm, and dragged him to the door.

"Thank you for having us over," Hidan called back. "I'm sorry for the trouble!"

"It was no trouble!" said the woman.

"Naked Man! Wait!"

They stopped. The little girl ran up to them and grabbed Hidan's sleeve, her eyes wide. There was a bag strapped to her back, and the corner of another blanket stuck out where the zipper wasn't fully closed.

"What's the matter?" asked Hidan.

"Take me with you!" said the girl.

"I can't," said Hidan. "My friend and I are going to stop those mean old thieves, okay?"

"I wanna come!"

"I'm sorry. It's too dangerous."

The girl wrapped her arms around Hidan. Growing impatient, Kakuzu released his partner's arm and turned to the girl.

"Let him go," he said.

"No!"

Gray threads slithered out of Kakuzu's arm. The girl squeezed Hidan tighter.

"Don't hurt her!" said Hidan.

"Then get her off."

Hidan reached down and grabbed the girl. He tried to pry her off gently, but she would not budge. "Please let me go."

She shook her head. Kakuzu wondered how she had grown so attached to him in this short time knowing him. On the other hand, he could use this to his advantage.

Kakuzu seized Hidan by the neck. "Let him go, or I'll kill him."

"No!" said the girl. Tears filled her eyes and she released Hidan. Kakuzu dragged his partner to and out the door.

"Don't worry!" said Hidan. "I'll be fine! Goodbye! It was nice meeting y—ack!" His fingers scrambled at the hand around his throat. "K…Kakuzu! Could you…loosen your grip?"

"You're still talking," said Kakuzu. "It must not be tight enough."

"All you had to do was ask—"

Kakuzu squeezed his throat harder and kept pulling him along. There were scampering footsteps and something started hitting him in the leg. Stopping, Kakuzu looked down to see the girl pummeling him as hard as she could.

"Let him go, you big fat monster!"

This was getting really irritating, really fast. Would it ruin the mission if he killed one of the village's citizens? It would certainly complicate things. Refraining from giving the girl a sharp kick, Kakuzu released Hidan and kept walking. The girl stopped punching him.

"Come on, Hidan," said Kakuzu.

Silence answered him, and Kakuzu could not hear Hidan's footsteps start following even several seconds later. With tremendous effort, Kakuzu held on to his composure, came to another stop, and turned around.

Hidan and the girl were gone.

Kakuzu looked in every direction, but there was no one in sight. The front door to the woman's house was still open. Fingers twitching, he strode back over and inside.

"Hidan! We have a mission to carry out! There is no time for this!"

He almost tripped on his way into the main room; there was a heap on the floor by the entrance. A closer look showed him it was the woman, unconscious. Kakuzu's alert eyes swept the room. The expensive couch was missing and the window was wide open. He darted over and looked out at the street, but it was deserted. Incredible… Those thieves really did have exceptional stealth.

And this time, they stole people as well.

Kakuzu noticed someone behind him just in time to flip around and seize his neck. It was a young man dressed in dark clothes, and upon being caught, he grasped Kakuzu's arm and tried to twist himself free. Kakuzu relaxed just a little. This man was skinny and weak.

"Are you one of the thieves?"

"No, I'm the maid," said the man with heavy sarcasm. Then he was dead serious. "You better release me! You don't want to mess with us!"

"Was that supposed to be a threat?" asked Kakuzu. "If you don't tell me where your hideout is, I'll rip out all your organs."

The thief paled but looked him right in the eye. "I'd like to see you try."

Kakuzu threw his other hand toward the thief's stomach.

"Wait! Wait, I'll do it! I'll take you there myself…"

Kakuzu knew not to underestimate any opponent, but it seemed he had overestimated these thieves. He was actually rather disappointed. Yet this could be a trick, a trap, and they had gotten Hidan twice (perhaps a moot point, considering Hidan's…condition), so they had to be a bigger threat than they seemed. It could be that only this thief was inept.

Kakuzu tossed the thief out the window and vaulted out after him, keeping his eyes on his back. "Get moving."

The thief rose to his feet and glanced back before walking off down the street.

"Faster," said Kakuzu, following.

The thief quickened his pace. "You'll regret this…"

"Let's make it a run," said Kakuzu. "We need to catch up to your friends."

"If you had any idea who you were messing with…"

"Clearly you don't know me either, so let me put it this way. Get me to your hideout within five minutes, or I'll chop off your feet and let you tell me the way as I drag your body along."

The thief broke into a run. Kakuzu kept close behind, not letting him out of sight for a second. They made several twists and turns, and it did not take long for Kakuzu to realize this man was leading him in circles. His hand shot off and forward, remaining attached to his arm by threads, and caught the thief by the neck. They both jerked to a halt. Kakuzu drew his hand back, dragging the thief over.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

The thief tried to pull off Kakuzu's hand. "No! No, of course not!"

"I'm not in the mood for games," said Kakuzu. "This is your last chance to prove you're not useless to me."

"Okay! I'll take you there, I swear!" said the thief.

Kakuzu released him. He ran, and Kakuzu followed again. The thief brought him into a dark alley between a dango shop and a toy store. He stopped and turned to face Kakuzu.

"It's right here," said the thief. He knelt down and slid his fingers into a crack in the firm earth. There was a click and he lifted his hands, pulling open the hidden trapdoor.

"After you," said Kakuzu.

The thief slipped down out of sight without a sound. Kakuzu grabbed the trapdoor before it could fall and shut itself, and moving just as silently, he followed the thief down.

Wind rushed past his ears as he zipped down the chute. It was pitch black, but he could tell that the passage was hundreds of feet long. He slid down, down, picking up speed. The smooth earth beneath him vanished, and he plummeted through the darkness.


End file.
